It's Scary!

Things with the plastics' recycling program have been happening so fast recently, it scares me. You know how when you wait for something for so long to happen, you dream about it and talk about it until people run when they see you open your mouth? Then one day the dream actually starts to become a reality and you really aren't sure how you are going to handle it.  Is it for real? Is it really going to happen? Will it work out as it is supposed to?

Sometimes, it is a bit overwhelming for me to think that I could possibly accomplish something that is so foreign to anything I have ever experienced, with absolutely no background in the field. I knew nothing about business, and I could barely tell you where and what to recycle in Florida, much less here in Lewistown what the issues were. I was a naive babe in the wilderness of recycling and business.

Yet, I guess what makes the difference is that when you believe in something and you know that it is good and true, it motivates you to stretch yourself beyond your own expectations for yourself. It makes me feel great that a successful business man says that I have what it takes to go after something I believe in, work hard at and persevere to the end. He must believe in me because he gave us $4,000 for the project. And that's scary, too. Now I really feel that I have to prove to him he has reason to put his trust in me.

I remember, many years ago, in what I call my former life, we were in a business that my heart was not in. I was in torment about contacting people and working the business. I did not have any belief in the company and what I was doing.  It was a sham in more ways than one. I was paralysed from any action.  How different this is for me.

What makes the difference is the constant affirmation from everyone that this is a good and true endeavor.  The support has been my strength to do what I never thought I was capable of doing. It is scary to know the trust others have in me.  I only hope that I live up to that trust to the end.

Gutsy Women

I have to say that I admire gutsy women.  Not the in your face, out spoken types, that challenge others.  But the strong women who persevere against the odds dealt to them. The ones that don't roll over and whimper for someone to come and rescue them. Quitting isn't in their vocabulary, I'm sure.  They are the type who don't think the world owes them something extra because of the hand they were dealt or what they have to endure.  They just assume that is their job.

I have a friend, that believe it or not, is older than I am. She lost her husband a few years ago, the light of her life, and now her dog. No self pity, "Well, now what am I going to do?". She just went about assuming all of the responsibilities and household chores for herself.  I don't mean washing the dishes and making the bed either. No, she digs up the yard and paints the house, inside and out. She drives herself back and forth to California each season. And she gets herself out in the community, taking on new challenges and interests everyday. By herself, most often, too. Amazing woman.

I have a daughter, who against my judgment, took on the challenge of backpacking into the wilderness by herself with her trusted companion Gracie Lou.  Who happens to be a dog, not a person. The part that impresses me the most is that she didn't let fear or the "weirdness" of being on the mountain alone at night stop her. She was determined to backpack and didn't see it a problem that she didn't have a man along. This is the same way she has taken on the challenges of being a single parent homeowner. If it is going to get done, then by golly she will "getter done". Gutsy, to say the least and I admire that.

Some women don't have such dramatic day to day challenges in their life as these determined women do. But, in their everyday life they show the kind of resolve, strength and determination to confront their life head on and not think there is any other alternative. It is their problem and they deal with it.

That is not to say that they don't have tears in the dark of night when they lie in bed alone and think about the over whelming problems they have to over come by themselves each day. But, when morning comes, they are up and back in the game of life that was handed to them. While I feel for their pain, I  admire their determination to soldier on. These are my kind of women.  I could only hope that  I can live up to their model of a woman.

Post scope

Okay, so most people wouldn't say this on their blog, but I just have to say, glad my scope went well and is done and over with for the next five years. This whole process does have a way of slowing you down and controlling your life for a bit, to put it mildly. Last night was a bust, completely dominating my life with the process. Today, I slept through the entire event, came home and slept some more.

It took me until this afternoon to become a functioning human being again.  They said that I should not do anything for 24 hours that would require judgement. So we'll see tomorrow how the results of some of the project business that I conducted today turns out.  I'm afraid I will probably have some memory lapses and should write it all down. Other wise what proof will I have one way or the other?

I already noticed that I put some dates on my calendar when I got home that I don't remember writing. At least the information was correct.  I think.  Tomorrow will tell.  When I get feedback from my communications that I sent out.

But, to be honest, I don't think I could get stressed out about anything right at the moment. Not even the fact that I need to throw something together for dinner in the next hour and haven't really a clue what.  But, Michael is easy to please.  As long as I have some frozen corn on hand and can make him some fried potatoes. I'll throw in some fish of some kind some how.  I don't really feel creative about cooking tonight. I would be fine with a bowl of cereal, but I don't think another bowl of cereal will do it for him  And he didn't pick up on the hint to get carry out somewhere. Guess I should whine more.

I'm sure tomorrow will have a different character to it.  I'm looking forward it the change.

Don't breathe!

I'm afraid to exhale! We have the baler invoice ready to sign, we have the money for the trailer we found and the generator we are looking to buy. We are sooo close that I'm afraid to breathe until everything is signed, sealed and delivered.

I'm pushing for a Sept. 29th plastics' drive, the eternal optimist that I am.  I believe you have to set your sites for what you want and how you want things to go or you will never get there. Think about it. If I would say," Oct. would be okay if you think Sept. 29th won't work", then there is no way in heaven or hell that I'll get the drive on Sept. 29th.

I know I'm getting a reputation as a shrewd dealer, but that just comes with knowing what I want to achieve and what I have to do to get there. I ask for what we need and try not to be surprised when I get it.

So now it is time to begin what I call phase two: education and development. Actually, that part will be fun for me, since it is more my territory.  I don't know much about specs of balers and generators but I do know teaching.  I'm really excited about going to the Boys and Girls Club and sharing recycling with them. Then my next group is at the Lewistown Art Center, smaller groups at a time, I expect. I haven't been in front of a group of more than five kids at a time in ten years. Give me a bunch of kids, though, and turn me loose, that's all I ask. 

Michael is probably ready to breathe a sign of relief. But, he had better not relax too much because things are just going to start getting interesting.

Fast or Slow?

Sometimes life has a way of slowing you down whether you like it or not. It just happens.  Yesterday morning, I twisted my foot while on the way to church. I didn't think anything about it, even forgetting it happened, until later in the day when I got this excruciating pain in the front of it. Oh, I thought, I'll just walk off the cramp. However, when the pain became unbearable I ended up in the emergency room with what I was sure was a broken foot.  Nothing could possibly hurt that badly and not be broken.

However, nothing showed up on the x-ray to explain the pain.  The doctor said it could either be a hairline fracture underneath or the bones separated, which can explain that kind of pain. Today, though, after a few pain pills and a walking boot, I'm doing fine. Shows my naivety.  I only thought child birth could hurt that badly.

So I guess my list of to dos for the day will have to be rescheduled for now. Funny, they all seemed pretty important yesterday when I laid out the list.  Yet, today they don't seem quite as urgent. There's that keeping things in perspective again. 

Like Michael's dog bite from last week. He is still trying to get that resolved. The county health department is chasing down the dog to have it quarantined. That has become complicated by the fact that, because of the delay on their part, the dog now is in Great Falls. That means a more complicated procedure than would have been necessary.

Sometimes things need to be sped up and other times they require slowing down. Wish we could work out a happy balance.

One on One

Michael and I went to Bozeman last night for a race he was running today. This gave me an opportunity to call my daughter, Charlene, and take her out for breakfast, while Michael was out pounding the pavement. I have to say, that as much as I love all of my grand kids, there is something special about one on one face time with my kid.  Just the two of us, doing nothing but sharing stories and life. No side tracking with cute grand kids and their kiddy antics or teens with their latest dramas.

When my son, Michael, is here visiting we usually get a few special mother-son moments while working in the kitchen putting together the evening meal. Nothing deep going on, just a few minutes being together, by ourselves. Then it is quickly back to the circus of kids and spouses.

I haven't had any one on one time with Charlotte this year.  She's busy being happy with her new job and life, which is as it should be. Still, I'd like to make the effort to get down to Billings soon for some time with  just her. Maybe when Michael has his next race. She and I could do a breakfast time, too.

I get to talk to Kathy on the phone one on one for a bit during the week, but not much of a chance for face to face time with kids needing mom, etc. and her busy schedule working and keeping it all together.

I actually get more one on one time with Michael's daughter, Brandy, when we visit Indiana each year. We enjoy our shopping trips and lunch out together with no husbands or kids along. It just works well that way.

Mom's know that that is the way it is going to be from then on, once the kids leave the nest. We have more time, they have less. Just the way it is. I'm not complaining, just appreciating and cherishing the time I get.

Back Packing Great Grannies

My daughter, Kathy took her mom and Auntie Annie, with her beautiful, big black Weinar(sp) dog, Gracie Lou, on a three mile over night, back packing trip up into the Pintler mountain wilderness Sunday. She told us how proud she was of us, which made us proud, too.  After all we are great grammas on our first ever over nighter carrying close to 30 pounds each up into the mountains. I'll have to say it was one of the most physically challenging endeavors I have ever taken on, evidenced by the sore muscles that night and next couple of days.

The first mile of the trail was down hill, basically.  Which meant, of course that coming out the next day, that last mile was up hill. Not a problem on a day hike with just carrying your water bottle.  However, after hiking up the mountain one day, going on a morning hike of probably close to four miles the next day and hiking out three more miles the next day, with our full packs the next afternoon, the last mile was a killer.

The lake was just the right temperature for easing the tired muscles in my legs, which I took advantage of a couple of times during the day. Good thing we had the whole mountain and lake to ourselves by late afternoon on the first day so that I could strip out of my pants and ease in up to my tush. Aaah!

Kathy had the system down to a science, with exactly what we would need to take to survive without carrying an extra pound. She even had little packets of tp put together for each of us to use. So we would take our few sheets of tp with the trowel and head up the side of the mountain, hunting for a convenient rock where we could dig our hole when nature called.  You just hoped you didn't turn over a rock someone else had used.

Dinner was a wonderful shrimp scampi and yellow peppers over brown rice. With the heady feeling of the grandeur of the view, we didn't even miss the promised mug of white wine to go with it. All you wanted to do was drink in the splendor of Warren Peak and the clear, sparkling waters of Carp Lake. It was an awesome feeling that we three women were the only human beings in that whole mountain area that night.

In fact, as far as what we saw, we were the only living creatures on the mountain, besides the chipmunk sitting on a rock and a few grouse in the brush.  I'll have to admit, though, that the cave like space under the huge boulders, that I was watching while I sat hunched down doing my business, sure looked like a good place for a bear. But, I was sure Gracie Lou would alert me to anything bigger than a gnat moving around out there.

We talked about repeating a trip like this next year when Kathy turns the big 50. Then Anne suggested that maybe she would like a trip to a Florida beach instead for such an auspicious occasion. That gave cause for a pause. Mountains are incredible, but really now, would you really want to be reminded about all of your many aches and pains and how old you are?

Ebb and flow

It isn't just the tides that ebb and flow.  I think our energy level and moods have more to do with outside stimuli than from within ourselves, I am sorry to say.  I know that I like to feel that I am totally in control of how I am feeling. So just shake it off, already.

Then I realize how much more energy and vitality I have for instance when all is going well with our plastics' recycling program development. Yet, when plans fall through or do go as expected, I hit a functioning low. My initiative lags for the time until the next bit of hope is given to me. Ebb and flow from with out.

You see those in a new relationship going around with all kinds of life showing in their face.
However, when those who have problems at home, they can hardly drag themselves out of bed in the morning. Where did all that vitality go? It will ebb and flow like the tide with the tone of the relationship.

I wish it wasn't so, but you probably noticed that it is difficult swimming against the tide when it is coming in. That's what it feels like you are doing when you try to swim against the effect of the events in your life. Maybe that is why so many people are taking mood altering drugs these days.  They feel they have no control over the circumstances surrounding them and that effect their day to day life. So the only way they feel that they can gain control is to use a pill or something.

So what is one to do then, you may ask.  The answer, I think, is to get beyond the breakers, even if it is tough going against the tide for a while. Find some diversion that takes full use of your mind and what energy you may have left. And swim out beyond the breakers.

That's what I am doing with my sister, Anne, and daughter, Kathy, this weekend.  We are climbing the mountains to a lake in the wilderness over night. Not even an out house out there, I've been told! Might be a good time to just throw myself into the frigid water of the lake and swim. By the time we get back we will be on the other side of the breakers and enjoying the calm of the open sea.

Curiosity

Curiosity. That is what keeps a person alive.  And I'm not referring to just keeping the heart beating, either. If you don't have any curiosity about the world around you, you may as well be dead, anyway. What could possibly be fun about a life cut off from all that has gone on in the past,going on today and the posibilities for tomorrow.

I'm reading an interesting book, "Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet" by Jamie Ford. I had always heard about the internment camps that all of the Japanese had been herded into during  WW II, but had never read much about how it all took place and how it effected those living around them. This book has been a real eye opener to a whole new world of events to me. 

That's why I like to read a variety of books.  I love to be able to think,"I never knew that before."  And I hate to read anything that has a predictable plot, much less stereo typical characters in them. I love the element of surprise and something new to think about. I thrill at new and intriguing information in what I read. However, I have to admit I like happy endings. I get into what I'm reading to the extent that it can affect my mood if it is terribly sad or morbid.

Last yea,r at this time, you could have put what I knew about recycling in a thimble. I merely went through the motions of putting things in the right bin because I knew I should and picking up any trash because I couldn't stand to walk around it. In a year I have not only found out how much I didn't know, but how much more I want to learn. It has been invigorating  and exciting to learn all about where it goes, how it works and what needs to be done in the future. I'm also learning volumes about how business works and the politics involved.

 The information is endless out there for exploring and delving into. And today we are so fortunate to have the Internet to help sate our curiosity. No more working through the volumes of out of date encyclopedias. How can anyone not have a mountain of questions about so many possible subjects to know more about? My only question right now is what will I explore next? That question excites me.

Glitch roller coaster

Another big glitch in our plastics' recycling program that is an unexpected let down. The 42" baler we were negotiating with Recycle Systems for was sold out from under us to someone in Alaska while our salesman was off in Peru on vacation for the past three weeks.  I just can't believe it could be possible! I'm at the point, just as when I'm shopping for a specific item at a price I have in mind ahead of time but I don't find, when I finally find what I want price really isn't an object anymore.  I guess we'll go ahead and buy the new 30" baler and go with a wing and a prayer that we can get the generator some how some way. Time is running out for me and time is a wasting.

This roller coaster ride has to end sometime, I'm sure. It is like the idea in the movie Ground Hog Day, things keep happening over and over again. Unbelievably. This thing has taken on a life of its own and it is time for me to take the creature by the horns and get control of the operation. Be assertive.  Make bold decisions. Take bold steps. Go for the gold. Any Olympian will tell you that is how to get the job done.

I see so much money wasted by so many causes and think," All we need is a few thousand bucks, lose change to them." And we could do so much with so little.  The problem being, everyone wants the program to succeed, but until we show success they aren't incline to put their money into it. But without their money we can't get there. 

So we go ahead and act like we have money.  Isn't that what everyone else does? No That is my new operation modem. Or what ever you call it. Charge!

Who me worry?

My sister Anne and I had a training hike this morning for our backpacking weekend coming up with my daughter, Kathy. I took out one of the seven pound weights I had been carrying so that we would be equal going up the hill.  She was feeling much more confident about handling the vigor of the mountain climbing now.  I just wish people would quit with the bear scares, though.  We'll be fine. At least I will be, sleeping in the middle of the tent, anyway.

When you go to the doctor's for your annual physical and your doctor tells you you are awesome, you just can't help but brag a bit. You know all your numbers are going to be good, but it still feels good to have your doctor tell you so. However, I still have to have the dreaded colonoscopy, something I don't think anyone eagerly looks forward to. Only good thing about it is getting it over with and knowing you are good to go for the next five to ten years.

Humans are strange creatures.  One of the things that distinguishes them from the rest of the animal kingdom is how they worry about what other people are thinking.  I know I waste time with that at times. We have a neighbor who really is upset with me and for the life of me I can't figure out what ever it was that I did to get on his bad side. I mean besides his killing my tree and I think under the circumstances I handled it pretty well. Just a little shrug is all.  But he can't stand to even speak to me. What am I to think?

My friend, Betts, worried herself silly all weekend about the window space, at a closed pharmacy in town, we were given to use to display all of our plastic.  She was so worried that the owner had a change of heart. That worry was all for not, though. Actually, the owner had a fun time watching us put the whole thing together today.  We are a piece of work, Betts and I, when we get to executing our ideas and I'm sure quite entertaining.

Guess we should all put away our false fronts and be more honest with each other.  Maybe there'd be some bloody noses once now and then, but it would sure save in the ulcer department. Maybe the rest of the animals do have something over us.  No ulcers.

My hike today

My sister, Anne was going to do some backpack trail training with me today, but she has come down with a cold so I didn't want to push her.  She needs to get well before the over night trip next weekend that she looks to with dreaded anticipation. So I went out by myself, anyway.  It was a perfect morning for the training hike, cool with a threat of rain to hurry me along.

I strapped on the backpack and headed up the street to the trail leading out of town. The load seemed easier today, probably due to the cool weather and the fact that, hopefully, this training is beginning to pay off.

 As I trudged past the city cemetery I could see a gathering of mourners who were saying their good byes to a loved one. I said a little prayer for them all, understanding the sadness they were feeling, since my own Uncle Ernie just passed away last week.  It is always hard to think they are gone from your life for good. I had been looking forward to seeing him when we returned south this fall, realizing that it would probably be for the last time.

When I returned back down the trail later, they had all left by then.  Probably off to share a repast and stories of the one lost. That is a good way to keep them alive, even after they are gone. I always wonder what stories will be told about me when I'm gone.  I hope they will want to keep me a live in their thoughts, too.

I noticed how perfectly clear the surrounding mountains appeared today. The rain did its job last night. The Judith mountains looked so beautiful in the distance, the clouds over head casting long shadows over them. You would never know by looking from the distance the ugly tree clearing going on in their depths. Last year when we were hiking up the mountain we could hear the saws going and see the results.

Made me think about people.  We can look at them and be fooled by their smile and chatter, not realizing the pain and anguish that may be going on inside them. We just don't know the whole story that lies behind those eyes. Tells us something about why we shouldn't be so quick to take offense with people and give them some slack.

Before I left the trail, a deer and I startled each other. Then we just stood there and stared at each other. She eyeing me nervously, yet not moving.  And me not daring to move so as not to scare her away. I wonder what she thought of me?  I thought she was beautiful, with her shiny black nose twitching and a long scar along her back. I could only think what may have caused it. Finally she eased away to join the rest of her companions, waiting at a safe distance for her.

I would have enjoyed the company of my sister today.  I'm sure we would have chatted away the time.  Yet, it was a good time for me to enjoy my solitude once more. But, I hope she feels better quickly so she will be ready for the challenge.

Routines II

If you didn't read yesterday's entry, it will be to your advantage to read "Routines Part One" before reading today's account if you want to get the flow right. As I was out on my morning run, I got to thinking that there was more to be said about routines that had been left out.

I had said that routines can be a blessing or a curse.  They can also take on a life of their own if we aren't careful. Some routines become so habituated that we can do them without realizing.  How many times have I heard someone say, "Did I take my pill yet?" or "Did I put on my deodorant already?" Sometimes our mind is somewhere far away when we do something that is so routine we never give it a thought.

No big deal generally, I'm sure.  I said that routines can be good for us, such as getting a good night's sleep every night.  Yet, when that routine becomes the end all, it has lost its rightful place in our life. How many times I have missed the 4th of July fireworks because bedtime is 10:00 pm and they don't even start until then.

This is where they become the monster that has taken over our life. We need to think outside of the routine, that serves a purpose most of the time, and put it in its rightful place. Is it worth missing out on that wonderful concert last night because it will keep you up past your routine bedtime? I know from experience that usually it is not.  The pleasant memory of that night's music will far outlive the benefits of that good night's sleep.

They say that routines can actually rob us of mental acuity over the years. We should vary our routes when out on our run or walk each day so that we generate new synapses in our brain. We should use our non dominate hand to do mundane tasks to stimulate the brain. We should read a variety of material and look for adventure along the way.

Routines may keep us healthy and secure most of the time, but variety is still the spice of life. We need to control them not they control us.  I just need to remind myself and my spouse of that fact.

Routines

Routines can be both a blessing and a curse. They often give one a sense of stability in a world of instability. I like that I can't go to bed without flossing my teeth every night. That removes the need to think about whether I really need to or want to.  I just have to, period. It sure has kept my teeth in good repair at an age when others have lost theirs.

I like the orderliness that routines provide to my life. Maybe the older one gets the more one appreciates order rather than chaos that brings dis ease.  Not that we don't appreciate some excitement and adventure, but we want it in a more predictable way than we did in our youth.

I like that I feel the need each day to get out and exercise.  However, I want to do it under my own terms and not be tied to a scheduled group class of some kind.  I want to be the one to decide when, where and how much. I don't want to rely on someone else or some one else to rely on me. That's why I don't join clubs.  Their requirements become too demanding with time and rules. I know they each have much to offer, but I don't want them to become too routine in my life. I don't want to have to show up under others' terms. That, for me is when routines become a curse.

They also become a curse when they are in control without any real reason for being so. Michael has a lot of routines that don't necessarily make sense to me, but I guess they bring him a sense of rightness to his world.  I just hope he doesn't hold on to them for the sake of " just because that is the way I always have done it" and he has lost the reason why.

Maybe I'll rethink some of my routines and see where they stand in importance to my wellbeing.  It just might be time to shake some of them up a bit, re-evaluate the why and start some new ones.  Let's see, where will I begin? But, I know I'll leave the flossing alone. And how I do love my morning coffee!